It felt Love.

"How
Did the rose
Ever open its heart

And give to this world
All its
Beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being,

Otherwise,
We all remain

Too

Frightened."
"It Felt Love" written by Hafez

"The Rose" painted by my Papaw Charles :)

Worst blogger ever.

"The person who's in love with their vision of community will destroy community. But the person who loves the people around them will create community everywhere they go."
  - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I wrote a really, really, really long post and then decided to delete it all. So all I really want to say is that God is good and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I'm very excited for my summer. PEACE and LOVE!

"O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life."

- Prayer of St. Francis

You are good when there's nothing good in me.

My heart has been heavy. I feel as if I am just being buried by horrible feelings and my sins that are trying to overcome me. Selfishness. Jealousy. Guilt. Loneliness. Sadness. Wanting wanting WANTING, only for myself. I have hiding and pretending and lying to everyone and it feels like it is just too much this time. I'm in too deep.

Last night I was feeling really bad. I haven't felt so bad in a really long time. So I went for a stroll by myself at around midnight  (I know, not safe.) and I didn't get home until after one. I looked insane walking down the street praying/talking to myself with maybe some tears flowing down occasionally. I was overwhelmed with shame. I have not been loving. I have been everything but loving. My walls are ever before God. There is separation where I need a closeness. I am wanting from people something that only God can give me and it's making me manipulative and demanding and cold. I was not proud of who I was. I did not love myself. I hated myself.

How is it possible for me to love my neighbors as myself when I do not even love myself? How is it possible to love God when I don't even love myself? "How you feel about creation reflects how you feel about the Creator."

There is too much inside of me and in my past that is just unclean and messy, and that very, very few know of. Even though I had no control over a couple of these things happening, it has impacted my life in ways that I didn't realize before and it's definitely not something that I need to keep bottled up inside of me. But I do hide it all, and I have been for years. I know that it's time to bring some things out of the darkness and into the light. I need to confess. I need to be free of this sin and this mess. I know this, but I don't know how I can even handle it. I know I'm not meant to handle it alone and I'm in desperate need of community, but I'd rather not handle it at all. Why can't that ever work?

I know that I am not making the best out of every opportunity that has been given to me. I am not living like I belong to the Light. I am too busy worrying about my selfish desires to bother loving God and people. I am a hypocrite and the only good thing in me is not even me.

Still trying to figure out where to go from here.

"My walls are ever before You, still Your banner over me is love."

"But it was Your kind arms cradling me, a criminal."

Not an especially inspiring blog post. Just more whining.

I am confessing. So since moving here, and especially lately, I've been getting to meet numerous really amazing and inspiring people that are my age. God's work is so apparent in their lives. Usually, I am filled with joy to hear about how God is using them for the Kingdom's work. But this is where I am confessing. Honestly, lately, I catch myself feeling envious of what they have. That's silly.

I really do not have anything to say that I haven't already said before. I am passionate over several of things. I LOVE working with the poor, kids, the homeless, special needs people, PEOPLE. I have planned out my future several times with these things in mind, but I still don't know. I don't know! How do you know? Is it ok that I don't know? Because everyone around me seems to know. :) BUT last night I realized (oh yeah, and someone actually TOLD me this SEVERAL months ago. I am a mess.) that even though I have had all of these dreams, I have never actually been confident that God could ever do anything so "great" through ME. I have no confidence in God or myself. This will change.

I wrote this in February, and it's still as true as ever:

"I am having so many feelings lately. It's always very difficult for me to express the things that have been lain on my heart, but I will try. I doubt it will make sense, because I can't make sense of it myself.
I'm anxious to be used to my full potential, or rather, to see and live out what God has planned for me. My heart is aware of the truth that I am supposed to be fulfilling some other role. There is this sense of urgency that is constantly rushing through my bones. God has ignited something in me, and it's unavoidable. It's all I can think about. I know that I am here, because I am here, and there is a reason why I am here, but I have never been so ready and certain that there is an entirely huge and different way that I am to be used. I am just praying to be shot off into the right direction.

I'm desperate for it, whatever it is.
I know that I am here, for He has me here.

Everyday is providing itself with different distractions, and if I'm not careful I will forget to surrender every single part of my life to the only Truth that matters.
Whatever it is, I will do. Wherever it is, I will go.

I promise this is true."

 

I am not worried that I will not find my passion of all passions. I just want to be used to my full potential! I don't know if I am doing anything right, but I am praying and I am trusting, and OH I decided to stay in school even if it takes me seventeen years to finish.

 

Sorry that I don't make sense. :)

Peace and Love.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."  - Howard Thurman

The answer, my friends, is blowin' in the wind.

I have been thinking about school a lot lately. I really do not enjoy school. I'm currently trying to decide whether or not I will continue going to school after this semester. Whenever I tell people about how I'm thinking about quitting school, usually the responses go something like this: "Totally. You should do what you want." or "You need to keep going to school. You'll make more money with a degree." I am definitely not interested in making more money, but yesterday I was reminded that I was born into this life of privileges and benefits and maybe I should be taking advantage of that. I was blessed to be able to receive a great basic education, which is so important and there are so many schools in America full of children who are being deprived of that. I remember while I was in Atlanta trying to help a 7-year-old child who was about to go into the first grade write in his journal, and I realized he had no idea how to read or spell a single word. He did not even know the alphabet. I'm pretty sure I learned the alphabet whenever I was at least three years old. When I was helping Keyon during the school year, I noticed he was basically unable to pronounce even the simplest words as he was reading, and he was in the third grade. I was never aware of how truly blessed I was to have been able to go to school in Franklin before I met those amazing kids. They are so full of potential, but the school system has failed them so badly. They did not do a single thing to be born into that life, just like I did not do a single thing to be born into my life. But I was born into this life for a reason. I still do not have the slightest clue of what I'm supposed to really be doing with my life, but I know that I want to be used to my full potential and I want to be able to serve God and people to the best of my ability, and maybe that means finishing school. If I continue on with school, it will take me SO LONG to get a degree and be finished, and I'm really not even sure if I should stay working towards a Sociology degree, because I don't even know what I'm going to do with that anyway. God has definitely given me a passion for serving people, especially the poor, and I know that I want to do that with my life, but I am not sure how or what it's supposed to look like yet. I could still definitely serve without a college degree. I would seriously love to hear any opinions or comments about this, if you have any. Prayers would be appreciated. :)

Besides all of that, I am doing so well. I have been noticing God's beauty in so many different and new ways. I wake up most mornings super stoked to start a new day. I mean, I have just really been filled with so much joy and content. I laugh all of the time, but that's not really anything new. :) Of course, I still get distracted. I used to really beat myself up when I would think that I didn't completely show the image of God in myself in some situation or something, or if I let my anxieties or insecurities get the best of me, but lately I have been able to accept the fact that I am human. I am not even close to being perfect, but I have been given forgiveness and grace, and they will take the place of what I owe. I am realizing that even with all of the ugly, nasty injustices in the world and sin inside of me, that God is truly making everything work together for good. God has been putting some really inspiring and passionate people in my life for me to meet and get to know. I'm SO thankful and glad that He is in control of my wonderful and wild life because I have no idea what I'm doing, but I trust the He knows what He is doing. It's not supposed to be about me anyway! :) Yeah, that paragraph is all over the place but I'm still just gonna leave it like that. Deal with it.

Also, today I went for a run to ponder over these same intense thoughts. As I was jogging, I looked down at my feet for maybe two seconds at the most and at the exact moment that I looked up, the awesome breeze had carried this pretty large empty plastic flower pot container deal up and it nailed me right in the face. I kind of stopped running and screamed a little, and then completely stopped to take a few seconds to try to comprehend what just happened, and then I busted out with laughter and walked home. Today was a good day.

I'm sorry that I'm the worst blog writer ever. I love you all!
Peace and Love.

With both feet planted firmly on love.

It digs deeper and deeper each day.

"My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
Glory to God in the church! Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus! Glory down all the generations! Glory through all millennia! Amen."

 - Ephesians 2:14-21 (the msg)

Jesus, help us to shout out the Good News,
with our voices and with our lives,
and with both feet planted firmly on Love.

Serious as a heart attack.

A crazy amount of things have been going on lately and I could probably write a seperate lengthy blog about each of them, but I don't really want to do that! So here is a little update of events and thoughts that I have had over the past few weeks:

- My good friend and former roommate in Atlanta, Nadine, is currently experiencing the loss of a parent. Her mother, Ruby, passed away last week. I only got to meet Ruby once and only spent a short time with her, but even in that short time it didn't take me long to learn that she was such a beautiful, outgoing, and kind person. Just like her daughter! I can't even begin to imagine what Nadine and her family must be feeling right now. Please pray for God's peace and love over them.

- Early Saturday morning my dad was rushed to the hospital for chest pains. Apparently he had a heart attack and he's been in the hospital ever since doing random tests, and today they have told us that he is going to have a double bypass surgery tomorrow. All of the doctors and nurses have been telling us how lucky Dad is to have survived it. It truly is a blessing that he came in on Saturday before it was too late for them to help him. Dad seems to be doing fine, just annoyed that he has to be here! I've been spending a lot of the time here at the hospital with him and it's been a crazy few days. If you could please pray for my Dad's surgery tomorrow, and for a speedy recovery! He is tired of laying in bed! :)

- Since Dad has been in the hospital, my Grandma Shirley (his mom) has come in for back surgery and my little cousin Pate came in because he broke his hand beating a kid up. It's a big sick/injured family reunion at St. Joe's! :)

- Neal Park Potluck has quickly become the favorite part of my week. There is a potluck at Neal Park in downtown Bryan every Saturday (5:00) and Sunday (1:00) that anyone and everyone is invited to. You can bring food if you're able to, and of course everyone can enjoy and eat the food! I've made tons of friends already in the past month and I've been slowly learning how to play 42. Sometimes we play some weird game of volleyball and there is a couple that breaks out some intstruments and plays some good tunes. I always have such a good time! You should come. :)

- A few times a week some friends and I meet up super early in the morning to make breakfast tacos and then take them out to the men who are waiting for jobs downtown. It's been so great meeting the guys and learning some Spanish from them. It's also always a super fun experience making breakfast with these crazy people at 6:00 in the morning. :)

- "We write to and visit our brothers and sisters on death row. You can join us! We meet to discuss, encourage each other, write to our friends, coordinate visits and share experiences. We are open to different ideas for how to be friends with people on death row." This is the description of the group that I have joined with some friends called Friends of Death Row Inmates. We had a first meeting last Wednesday and it was absolutely hilarious. I will write more about it in the future, I'm sure.

- Yesterday I got a cheap flip phone and gave my fancy schmancy phone to my Mom. I'm hoping that now I will spend less time on my phone and more time doing...other things. It's already working because I can barely text with this t9 stuff! :) It also makes it way more difficult for me to do Facebook and Twitter stuff. I think it will be great for me. I've been trying to minimalize a lot of the material things in my life lately and I figured this is another way that I could do it. I need to be prepared for when I go and live in a cave. :) Also I have lost several numbers so text me yours just in case if you want me to have it!

- I've been thinking about not continuing school after this semester is over. I really don't enjoy it, and I know that most people don't, but I honestly have no idea why I'm even in school and it feels like I'm wasting my time. Some friends and family and even my parents are encouraging me to stop going to school and to find something else that I would really love. A lot of friends have been encouraging me to stay in school as well. I'm still undecided. I just keep thinking about what Dr. King said, "You don't have to have a college degree to serve." :)

- I'm still jobless and it's been a drag trying to find one. Please pray that I will find one somehow and soon! I really need one, especially now that my dad won't be able to work overtime for a while and therefore won't get paid as much as usual to help support me and the rest of my family.

- I want to be in a relationship with someone only if our being together is benefitting others in some way. I'm definitely not in a hurry to be in one right now, so if he really cared then he wouldn't mind waiting. :) So thanks for the concerns, random friends and family members, but it's all about the friendship at the moment and I am completely content with that. Marriage is not and will not be the focal point of my life. Just saying.

- My sleeping schedule has been so whack lately! Sleep deprivation for sure.

- Freestyle flowin' has become a hobby of mine.

- Like I have said before, I just want to be used to my full potential. I pray to God that I will be used completely for His will in every second of every day of my life. In Mission Year they always told us to basically ask ourselves this question every time we are making a decision: "How can I best love God and love people in this moment?" I thought it was a little cheesy back then, but I catch myself thinking it more often now than ever. Thank you, God.

So maybe this wasn't as short of an update as I thought it was going to be. Whoops. Also I scanned through it and noticed that I have unintentionally put an intense number of smiley faces randomly throughout the posts. That's about right. :) I am thankful and joyful and blessed even throughout the difficult times and without much sleep. God truly is good and I am the worst blog writer in the world. :)

Peace and Love.

Recapture.

"Take this rule: whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off your relish of spiritual things; in short, whatever increases the strength and authority of your body over your mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may be in itself."

 - Susanna Wesley (Letter, June 8, 1725)

The "innocence" of it can be so tricky. I need prayers.

Loving kindness, tender patience, wisdom and responsibility.
These are things that I desperately need to recapture.
Father, forgive me.

"My flesh and my heart may fail,

but the Lord is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever." -  Psalm 73:26

To be a revolutionary,

You cannot love money
or the things it brings,
though the years will come
when you will think
all your sacrifices
for the cause
entitle you to something
(now the seductive part-
what, really, do you deserve
for choosing that which is right?)

You cannot love power
or influence. Not its raw forms-
the fawning we offer the famous;
the heady decisions put in your kind hands for “the voiceless”-
but also not its subtle disguises:
someone offering the best seat at the table;
gushing (I wish I could do what you…):
sitting at your feet to listen to
your wise, radical words.

Some contend it is best
not to love too much
a lover, child, hearth,
though that passion might be what
first sends you into the churning night;
and these same can also
give you back your soul.
Revolution is hard on loved ones.

You cannot embrace certainty.
She is sure to betray,
smothering you in
her black and white robe
until you will not be able
to grasp the unfolding of even
one intricate human heart.

Conviction, on the other hand,
will be the staff in your right hand.
She is relentless for justice
and endlessly patient.
She can smell out
water in the desert.

Be wary of movements
with their slippery entourage-
pecking orders, coalitions,
influence, compromise,
wealth, power-
though revolutions often find
themselves trying to enter
by that narrow gate,
and perhaps one or two
have survived intact.

Every day, oh warrior of change,
ask yourself:
who is growing your crops,
cooking your food,
receiving your waste,
caring for your father, mother,
son, daughter? Who
is maintaining
the infrastructure
of your revolutionary life (oh luxury
of single-mindedness)
while you save the world?

The baptized God-son
named the Beloved
by the banks of the Jordan
left that place to go wandering forty days
in the desert.
To bring him low,
the tempter offered three things-
bread, spiritual influence, political power-
each cloaked in the Word
(what seductress is greater
than religious righteousness?)

Three times that beloved one
rebuked the tempter
until at last he was left alone
among the angels and wild beasts,
to stare at an old tree
against the sky.

He made that long journey
so that you too might
learn your name-
beloved-
and understand:
heroics were never needed;
no sacrifice to prove oneself
worthy.

Go out, I tell you,
and stare into the night,
heavy & luminous
with stars, streetlights,
the drone of moving things
(buses, cicadas). Go Out.

At dawn, find one shaft of light
in which to wrap your broken self.
Touch this love
until it
makes you weep.

Start from there.

- Dee Dee Risher
 - - - - A friend sent that to me today. I thought it was interesting and worth sharing. :)

Am I a fool for putting all of my trust in Jesus?

Well, I'm inclined to say so, but without this hope, I'm dead.

I'm not a robot anymore.

I cry. I cry all the time these days. In the past, I used to NEVER cry. If I did, I would always feel stupid and ashamed for doing so. Then I did Mission Year, and I cried some, but not a whole lot. Then I moved back home and BAM. It's like the most simple things can set me off (sunsets, lyrics, verses, an episode of South Park, etc.) These tears are definitely not always from sadness, although that is the case at times. It seems to be more of an act of worship from my soul. I bet I scare people as I'm crying while praying to myself while riding my bike, or crying while singing along to some song while driving my car, but the best part is that I honestly do not care anymore.

I cry sometimes whenever I realize that I have never been able to say before so truthfully that I am in an almost constant state of worshiping, just feeling God move and change me. Of course, there are still so many distractions. Such lame distractions like money stuff, school stuff, even friend stuff, and especially the many lies that I give into and believe that just leave me wanting and discouraged. Still even in the difficult times, I feel like God isn't going to let me just slip away into my more comfortable place where I don't have to reflect on these tough things and I only think about random and simple things like cats or avocados until I start to feel kind of better. It's been surprising to me, because I'm so used to blocking God out whenever things get too hard for my heart to handle, but now it's like God is like, "Ummm no. We're not going to do that anymore." So I lay in bed at night just thinking and worrying and complaining until it turns into praising and rejoicing and adoring, even though I still don't know any of the answers to the questions that made me anxious in the first place.

I cry sometimes when my heart is just overflowing with thankfulness. I'm so thankful when I think about my past, because I honestly have no idea how I was able to become who I am today. My past has touches of really ugly things, like abuse and watching people I love withdraw from their lives to be trapped into thinking that some substance is the only thing that can bring them happiness. I didn't grow up knowing anything about God, only that He exists. I don't know how it happened, but God held on to me and He didn't let me go, and He isn't ever going to. I'm even thankful to be here in College Station, which is crazy to believe. I can get so distraught every now and then because I KNOW that God created me to serve the poor with everything that I have, and it's so difficult for me to be able to live that out here. God has given me eyes to see and a heart that weeps at the injustice in this world that breaks His own heart, and I know that I'm called to do something about it. It sometimes seems impossible for me to do anything about it here. Also, I guess you can say that my "theology" doesn't quite align with what many people that live here believe, which really should not even matter, but sometimes it is bothersome to me and it makes me feel alone and disheartened. I can feel like I'm not free to be myself and am unable to put my beliefs into action. I really don't know why I'm here. If I didn't feel like God has me here for a reason then I definitely would not be here, but I am here, and so I have just been having to learn to trust that God knows why I'm here. I have to know and trust that God has something really great and amazing planned for me in my future, something that I'm passionate about and that I will love, and I am so excited for that. I have to know and trust that God has something really great and amazing planned for me here, something that I'm passionate about and that I will love, and I cannot freaking wait for when that happens.

It's getting sort of late and I am getting extremely tired and so I'm not even sure if this is making any kind of sense, I'm pretty sure it's not, but I just wanted to write about how God had changed me and how God is still changing me. He's changing me A LOT, and I'm grateful for it. I still have such a long, long way to go, but God isn't giving up on me anytime soon. I'm changing so much that I've become a person that cries with emotions that God created and feels. I'm so in love. God is so truly good, and I don't deserve this. I'm so thankful! That's all.

Peace and Love.

It's cold outside.

I am having so many feelings lately. It's always very difficult for me to express the things that have been lain on my heart, but I will try. I doubt it will make sense, because I can't make sense of it myself.
I'm anxious to be used to my full potential, or rather, to see and live out what God has planned for me. My heart is aware of the truth that I am supposed to be fulfilling some other role. There is this sense of urgency that is constantly rushing through my bones. God has ignited something in me, and it's unavoidable. It's all I can think about. I know that I am here, because I am here, and there is a reason why I am here, but I have never been so ready and certain that there is an entirely huge and different way that I am to be used. I am just praying to be shot off into the right direction.

I'm desperate for it, whatever it is.
I know that I am here, for He has me here.

Everyday is providing itself with different distractions, and if I'm not careful I will forget to surrender every single part of my life to the only Truth that matters.
Whatever it is, I will do. Wherever it is, I will go.

I promise this is true.

"God is within her, she will not fall;

   God will help her at break of day."

- Psalm 46:5

For real.

Today was a good day because...

These songs were played. :::

These brand new shoes were worn. :::

 

This poem was read. and felt. :::

"You’re pouring Your love all over me and it’s dripping off the tops and sides and bottoms and middles of trees full of splendid little busy bees about doing your purpose. How can this be? That You’ve let my heart to see and experience and take in and now to sing…sing sing sing about Your love to everybody anybody or the somebody that’s considered a nobody but they are special to Thee, and for that I thank Thee that these things have been shown to me.


Keep this mercy falling down down and this grace falling down down…on the top of my scalp, dripping off of my nose, down around my bellybutton, all the way to my pinky toe cuticle that You made, and for that it is cool. Sometimes I play the fool but still your love is all around, sprouting from the ground here and there and everywhere, especially on this floor that I now stand.

And how amazingly awesome is Your plan that cannot be thwarted by any man no matter how big or strong or ugly or evil he be, because through You is victory. And it’s victory that I now speak of and have to let out of my skin, because for too long it’s been contained therein.


Lord, I praise you because you are different and efficient.
And You’ve tweaked my spirit just enough so that I can taste and see that You truly are good.

Like a fresh picked pineapple for the first time in my mouth or the warmth of Your sun on the back of my not warm neck on a not warm day. I praise Your name today and tomorrow and forever."

-  Bradley Hathaway




 Joy.
 Friends. Weather. Music. Food. Sleep. Chill time.
Even school work.
 I'm blessed. For real.

And today isn't even over yet. :)

Peace and Love.

But take heart!

I've been feeling a little down lately. I'm not really sure when it started happening. I'm kind of bad at paying attention to these things. Today was the first time that I realized that I was feeling a kind of blah, and then I realized that I have been feeling this way for a little while now.

I realized it today, because today I went home to my parent's house in Franklin right after giving blood, and I just sat on the junky brownish recliner that I got off of craigslist with a big blanket and my old chihuahua and watched about 6 episodes of House. I'm not exaggerating. These are hour long shows here, people. I just sat there in front of the tv, wasting my day away, sort of wishing that I was nonexistent. This is how I realized that I wasn't exactly enjoying life. I did try to play my banjo and I took a bubble bath, but besides that I was basically glued to that chair. It took everything out of me to get up and start getting ready to drive back to CS for Breakaway, which really isn't my favorite thing to go to...but I love my friends. Fortunately, my sister came home and provided me with some laughs just a half hour before I left. That was good. Then I get to Breakway, and I literally did not pay attention to anything that man said. The only time I really listened to him was when I heard him mention Hurricane Katrina, and then I almost started crying even though he only talked about it for like ten seconds.

I'm sorry to bore you guys with my very uneventful day, and I don't mean to sound whiny, but I just feel bad. It's just all of the crazy annoying small things plus the few crazy ongoing big things happening all at once that is bringing me down. I haven't been reading or praying. I've been selfish. Plus, January just straight up sucks. Worst month ever. I just wanted to say all of this, because I know that if I don't acknowledge this feeling and just pretend like I don't really feel it, then I was just keep reenacting days like today. I even told two people before I wrote this how I was feeling. Big steps for me today.

So, that's it. Today I felt pretty awful and I kind of wanted to punch God in the face or something. I feel much better now, though. Part of it has to do with a simple encouraging text message from a friend that I haven't even talked to at all today before then. I don't know how he knew to say that, but he did a really good job. Part of it just has to do with letting my friends know that I'm kind of struggling a little bit here. I'm feeling troubled, and that's totally ok. Troubles are going to happen, but I don't have to be afraid of anything.

"I have told you these things so that you may have peace.

In this world you will have trouble.

But take heart!

I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD!"

- John 16:33

Good things:

I'm in a nice new house with nice new roommates!

I'm in school!

I'm going to DC next weekend! For free!

I'm alive and so is God!

Also, these videos just make me so happy. I laugh everytime.

I hope that I made sense. I'm kind of weird and also sleep deprived.
& I hope that you aren't feeling troubled.
Peace and Love.

Let's live full out.

This is my blog. I’ve attempted to keep a blog once before and was extremely unsuccessful in doing so, but according to the results of my personality type test and a therapist I saw once, writing is supposed to be very good for me. With that in mind, I’ve decided to try and give it another go. It’s probably going to take up most of my Sunday just to write this. Luckily, I have absolutely no plans today. It’s also rainy and cold outside for the second day in a row. I don’t especially enjoy being outside when it’s rainy and cold for the second day in a row.

Not too long ago I read a book written by Anne Lamott (LOVE her!) named “Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life” I remember in the book she had said something like, “good writing is about telling the truth.” I am definitely not trying to create “good writing”, but I think that telling the truth is something that would obviously be very beneficial for me. Sometimes, I’m not very honest. I don’t think I go around telling lies anymore than a normal human being would, I guess, but I’m still not very honest. I usually keep everything that I’m feeling that isn’t so happy or easy to deal with to myself. Way deep down inside of myself. So much so that it’s hard for me to even acknowledge that those feelings even exist. They do exist, though. I have gotten pretty freaking good at repressing bad feelings.

I kept a journal when I moved to Atlanta for the first few months, and I would try to be honest with myself, and it felt good. The few times that I would actually try to write my monthly newsletters instead of just copying off another teammate or just filling up the page with quotes of what someone else said, those times felt good. That’s why I’m going to try this whole blog thing again. I need to be honest with myself, and with the people I know, and with God. It seems almost impossible for me to be vulnerable and honest most of the time. I’m still trying not to hide. Maybe this could help.

So, I’m about to start a “new chapter” of my life. New house, new roommates, newish friends, newish town, new school, new job, new church, all that. I’m very excited about it all. I am still struggling with things like, where I’d rather be living and what I’d rather be doing, but I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to at the moment. I’m really looking forward to what God has planned for me in my future, but for now I’m going to be living in College Station and I’m going to be attending Blinn Community College, and I honestly don’t think it’s going to be all that bad. :)

I’m ready to learn, grow, live full out, study history and sociology, possibly sell toys and books if I get that job, paint a room, go thrifting, drink waffle lattes, meet new people, be vulnerable, and stop hiding. I really am very thankful that I’m a constant work in progress. God has been providing for me very well. Hopefully I made sense and hopefully this won‘t be my last blog post.

Peace and Love.