It felt Love.

"How
Did the rose
Ever open its heart

And give to this world
All its
Beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being,

Otherwise,
We all remain

Too

Frightened."
"It Felt Love" written by Hafez

"The Rose" painted by my Papaw Charles :)

Worst blogger ever.

"The person who's in love with their vision of community will destroy community. But the person who loves the people around them will create community everywhere they go."
  - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I wrote a really, really, really long post and then decided to delete it all. So all I really want to say is that God is good and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I'm very excited for my summer. PEACE and LOVE!

"O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life."

- Prayer of St. Francis

You are good when there's nothing good in me.

My heart has been heavy. I feel as if I am just being buried by horrible feelings and my sins that are trying to overcome me. Selfishness. Jealousy. Guilt. Loneliness. Sadness. Wanting wanting WANTING, only for myself. I have hiding and pretending and lying to everyone and it feels like it is just too much this time. I'm in too deep.

Last night I was feeling really bad. I haven't felt so bad in a really long time. So I went for a stroll by myself at around midnight  (I know, not safe.) and I didn't get home until after one. I looked insane walking down the street praying/talking to myself with maybe some tears flowing down occasionally. I was overwhelmed with shame. I have not been loving. I have been everything but loving. My walls are ever before God. There is separation where I need a closeness. I am wanting from people something that only God can give me and it's making me manipulative and demanding and cold. I was not proud of who I was. I did not love myself. I hated myself.

How is it possible for me to love my neighbors as myself when I do not even love myself? How is it possible to love God when I don't even love myself? "How you feel about creation reflects how you feel about the Creator."

There is too much inside of me and in my past that is just unclean and messy, and that very, very few know of. Even though I had no control over a couple of these things happening, it has impacted my life in ways that I didn't realize before and it's definitely not something that I need to keep bottled up inside of me. But I do hide it all, and I have been for years. I know that it's time to bring some things out of the darkness and into the light. I need to confess. I need to be free of this sin and this mess. I know this, but I don't know how I can even handle it. I know I'm not meant to handle it alone and I'm in desperate need of community, but I'd rather not handle it at all. Why can't that ever work?

I know that I am not making the best out of every opportunity that has been given to me. I am not living like I belong to the Light. I am too busy worrying about my selfish desires to bother loving God and people. I am a hypocrite and the only good thing in me is not even me.

Still trying to figure out where to go from here.

"My walls are ever before You, still Your banner over me is love."

"But it was Your kind arms cradling me, a criminal."

Not an especially inspiring blog post. Just more whining.

I am confessing. So since moving here, and especially lately, I've been getting to meet numerous really amazing and inspiring people that are my age. God's work is so apparent in their lives. Usually, I am filled with joy to hear about how God is using them for the Kingdom's work. But this is where I am confessing. Honestly, lately, I catch myself feeling envious of what they have. That's silly.

I really do not have anything to say that I haven't already said before. I am passionate over several of things. I LOVE working with the poor, kids, the homeless, special needs people, PEOPLE. I have planned out my future several times with these things in mind, but I still don't know. I don't know! How do you know? Is it ok that I don't know? Because everyone around me seems to know. :) BUT last night I realized (oh yeah, and someone actually TOLD me this SEVERAL months ago. I am a mess.) that even though I have had all of these dreams, I have never actually been confident that God could ever do anything so "great" through ME. I have no confidence in God or myself. This will change.

I wrote this in February, and it's still as true as ever:

"I am having so many feelings lately. It's always very difficult for me to express the things that have been lain on my heart, but I will try. I doubt it will make sense, because I can't make sense of it myself.
I'm anxious to be used to my full potential, or rather, to see and live out what God has planned for me. My heart is aware of the truth that I am supposed to be fulfilling some other role. There is this sense of urgency that is constantly rushing through my bones. God has ignited something in me, and it's unavoidable. It's all I can think about. I know that I am here, because I am here, and there is a reason why I am here, but I have never been so ready and certain that there is an entirely huge and different way that I am to be used. I am just praying to be shot off into the right direction.

I'm desperate for it, whatever it is.
I know that I am here, for He has me here.

Everyday is providing itself with different distractions, and if I'm not careful I will forget to surrender every single part of my life to the only Truth that matters.
Whatever it is, I will do. Wherever it is, I will go.

I promise this is true."

 

I am not worried that I will not find my passion of all passions. I just want to be used to my full potential! I don't know if I am doing anything right, but I am praying and I am trusting, and OH I decided to stay in school even if it takes me seventeen years to finish.

 

Sorry that I don't make sense. :)

Peace and Love.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."  - Howard Thurman

The answer, my friends, is blowin' in the wind.

I have been thinking about school a lot lately. I really do not enjoy school. I'm currently trying to decide whether or not I will continue going to school after this semester. Whenever I tell people about how I'm thinking about quitting school, usually the responses go something like this: "Totally. You should do what you want." or "You need to keep going to school. You'll make more money with a degree." I am definitely not interested in making more money, but yesterday I was reminded that I was born into this life of privileges and benefits and maybe I should be taking advantage of that. I was blessed to be able to receive a great basic education, which is so important and there are so many schools in America full of children who are being deprived of that. I remember while I was in Atlanta trying to help a 7-year-old child who was about to go into the first grade write in his journal, and I realized he had no idea how to read or spell a single word. He did not even know the alphabet. I'm pretty sure I learned the alphabet whenever I was at least three years old. When I was helping Keyon during the school year, I noticed he was basically unable to pronounce even the simplest words as he was reading, and he was in the third grade. I was never aware of how truly blessed I was to have been able to go to school in Franklin before I met those amazing kids. They are so full of potential, but the school system has failed them so badly. They did not do a single thing to be born into that life, just like I did not do a single thing to be born into my life. But I was born into this life for a reason. I still do not have the slightest clue of what I'm supposed to really be doing with my life, but I know that I want to be used to my full potential and I want to be able to serve God and people to the best of my ability, and maybe that means finishing school. If I continue on with school, it will take me SO LONG to get a degree and be finished, and I'm really not even sure if I should stay working towards a Sociology degree, because I don't even know what I'm going to do with that anyway. God has definitely given me a passion for serving people, especially the poor, and I know that I want to do that with my life, but I am not sure how or what it's supposed to look like yet. I could still definitely serve without a college degree. I would seriously love to hear any opinions or comments about this, if you have any. Prayers would be appreciated. :)

Besides all of that, I am doing so well. I have been noticing God's beauty in so many different and new ways. I wake up most mornings super stoked to start a new day. I mean, I have just really been filled with so much joy and content. I laugh all of the time, but that's not really anything new. :) Of course, I still get distracted. I used to really beat myself up when I would think that I didn't completely show the image of God in myself in some situation or something, or if I let my anxieties or insecurities get the best of me, but lately I have been able to accept the fact that I am human. I am not even close to being perfect, but I have been given forgiveness and grace, and they will take the place of what I owe. I am realizing that even with all of the ugly, nasty injustices in the world and sin inside of me, that God is truly making everything work together for good. God has been putting some really inspiring and passionate people in my life for me to meet and get to know. I'm SO thankful and glad that He is in control of my wonderful and wild life because I have no idea what I'm doing, but I trust the He knows what He is doing. It's not supposed to be about me anyway! :) Yeah, that paragraph is all over the place but I'm still just gonna leave it like that. Deal with it.

Also, today I went for a run to ponder over these same intense thoughts. As I was jogging, I looked down at my feet for maybe two seconds at the most and at the exact moment that I looked up, the awesome breeze had carried this pretty large empty plastic flower pot container deal up and it nailed me right in the face. I kind of stopped running and screamed a little, and then completely stopped to take a few seconds to try to comprehend what just happened, and then I busted out with laughter and walked home. Today was a good day.

I'm sorry that I'm the worst blog writer ever. I love you all!
Peace and Love.

With both feet planted firmly on love.

It digs deeper and deeper each day.

"My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
Glory to God in the church! Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus! Glory down all the generations! Glory through all millennia! Amen."

 - Ephesians 2:14-21 (the msg)

Jesus, help us to shout out the Good News,
with our voices and with our lives,
and with both feet planted firmly on Love.

Serious as a heart attack.

A crazy amount of things have been going on lately and I could probably write a seperate lengthy blog about each of them, but I don't really want to do that! So here is a little update of events and thoughts that I have had over the past few weeks:

- My good friend and former roommate in Atlanta, Nadine, is currently experiencing the loss of a parent. Her mother, Ruby, passed away last week. I only got to meet Ruby once and only spent a short time with her, but even in that short time it didn't take me long to learn that she was such a beautiful, outgoing, and kind person. Just like her daughter! I can't even begin to imagine what Nadine and her family must be feeling right now. Please pray for God's peace and love over them.

- Early Saturday morning my dad was rushed to the hospital for chest pains. Apparently he had a heart attack and he's been in the hospital ever since doing random tests, and today they have told us that he is going to have a double bypass surgery tomorrow. All of the doctors and nurses have been telling us how lucky Dad is to have survived it. It truly is a blessing that he came in on Saturday before it was too late for them to help him. Dad seems to be doing fine, just annoyed that he has to be here! I've been spending a lot of the time here at the hospital with him and it's been a crazy few days. If you could please pray for my Dad's surgery tomorrow, and for a speedy recovery! He is tired of laying in bed! :)

- Since Dad has been in the hospital, my Grandma Shirley (his mom) has come in for back surgery and my little cousin Pate came in because he broke his hand beating a kid up. It's a big sick/injured family reunion at St. Joe's! :)

- Neal Park Potluck has quickly become the favorite part of my week. There is a potluck at Neal Park in downtown Bryan every Saturday (5:00) and Sunday (1:00) that anyone and everyone is invited to. You can bring food if you're able to, and of course everyone can enjoy and eat the food! I've made tons of friends already in the past month and I've been slowly learning how to play 42. Sometimes we play some weird game of volleyball and there is a couple that breaks out some intstruments and plays some good tunes. I always have such a good time! You should come. :)

- A few times a week some friends and I meet up super early in the morning to make breakfast tacos and then take them out to the men who are waiting for jobs downtown. It's been so great meeting the guys and learning some Spanish from them. It's also always a super fun experience making breakfast with these crazy people at 6:00 in the morning. :)

- "We write to and visit our brothers and sisters on death row. You can join us! We meet to discuss, encourage each other, write to our friends, coordinate visits and share experiences. We are open to different ideas for how to be friends with people on death row." This is the description of the group that I have joined with some friends called Friends of Death Row Inmates. We had a first meeting last Wednesday and it was absolutely hilarious. I will write more about it in the future, I'm sure.

- Yesterday I got a cheap flip phone and gave my fancy schmancy phone to my Mom. I'm hoping that now I will spend less time on my phone and more time doing...other things. It's already working because I can barely text with this t9 stuff! :) It also makes it way more difficult for me to do Facebook and Twitter stuff. I think it will be great for me. I've been trying to minimalize a lot of the material things in my life lately and I figured this is another way that I could do it. I need to be prepared for when I go and live in a cave. :) Also I have lost several numbers so text me yours just in case if you want me to have it!

- I've been thinking about not continuing school after this semester is over. I really don't enjoy it, and I know that most people don't, but I honestly have no idea why I'm even in school and it feels like I'm wasting my time. Some friends and family and even my parents are encouraging me to stop going to school and to find something else that I would really love. A lot of friends have been encouraging me to stay in school as well. I'm still undecided. I just keep thinking about what Dr. King said, "You don't have to have a college degree to serve." :)

- I'm still jobless and it's been a drag trying to find one. Please pray that I will find one somehow and soon! I really need one, especially now that my dad won't be able to work overtime for a while and therefore won't get paid as much as usual to help support me and the rest of my family.

- I want to be in a relationship with someone only if our being together is benefitting others in some way. I'm definitely not in a hurry to be in one right now, so if he really cared then he wouldn't mind waiting. :) So thanks for the concerns, random friends and family members, but it's all about the friendship at the moment and I am completely content with that. Marriage is not and will not be the focal point of my life. Just saying.

- My sleeping schedule has been so whack lately! Sleep deprivation for sure.

- Freestyle flowin' has become a hobby of mine.

- Like I have said before, I just want to be used to my full potential. I pray to God that I will be used completely for His will in every second of every day of my life. In Mission Year they always told us to basically ask ourselves this question every time we are making a decision: "How can I best love God and love people in this moment?" I thought it was a little cheesy back then, but I catch myself thinking it more often now than ever. Thank you, God.

So maybe this wasn't as short of an update as I thought it was going to be. Whoops. Also I scanned through it and noticed that I have unintentionally put an intense number of smiley faces randomly throughout the posts. That's about right. :) I am thankful and joyful and blessed even throughout the difficult times and without much sleep. God truly is good and I am the worst blog writer in the world. :)

Peace and Love.