Worst blogger ever.

"The person who's in love with their vision of community will destroy community. But the person who loves the people around them will create community everywhere they go."
  - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I wrote a really, really, really long post and then decided to delete it all. So all I really want to say is that God is good and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I'm very excited for my summer. PEACE and LOVE!

"O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life."

- Prayer of St. Francis

You are good when there's nothing good in me.

My heart has been heavy. I feel as if I am just being buried by horrible feelings and my sins that are trying to overcome me. Selfishness. Jealousy. Guilt. Loneliness. Sadness. Wanting wanting WANTING, only for myself. I have hiding and pretending and lying to everyone and it feels like it is just too much this time. I'm in too deep.

Last night I was feeling really bad. I haven't felt so bad in a really long time. So I went for a stroll by myself at around midnight  (I know, not safe.) and I didn't get home until after one. I looked insane walking down the street praying/talking to myself with maybe some tears flowing down occasionally. I was overwhelmed with shame. I have not been loving. I have been everything but loving. My walls are ever before God. There is separation where I need a closeness. I am wanting from people something that only God can give me and it's making me manipulative and demanding and cold. I was not proud of who I was. I did not love myself. I hated myself.

How is it possible for me to love my neighbors as myself when I do not even love myself? How is it possible to love God when I don't even love myself? "How you feel about creation reflects how you feel about the Creator."

There is too much inside of me and in my past that is just unclean and messy, and that very, very few know of. Even though I had no control over a couple of these things happening, it has impacted my life in ways that I didn't realize before and it's definitely not something that I need to keep bottled up inside of me. But I do hide it all, and I have been for years. I know that it's time to bring some things out of the darkness and into the light. I need to confess. I need to be free of this sin and this mess. I know this, but I don't know how I can even handle it. I know I'm not meant to handle it alone and I'm in desperate need of community, but I'd rather not handle it at all. Why can't that ever work?

I know that I am not making the best out of every opportunity that has been given to me. I am not living like I belong to the Light. I am too busy worrying about my selfish desires to bother loving God and people. I am a hypocrite and the only good thing in me is not even me.

Still trying to figure out where to go from here.

"My walls are ever before You, still Your banner over me is love."

"But it was Your kind arms cradling me, a criminal."

Not an especially inspiring blog post. Just more whining.

I am confessing. So since moving here, and especially lately, I've been getting to meet numerous really amazing and inspiring people that are my age. God's work is so apparent in their lives. Usually, I am filled with joy to hear about how God is using them for the Kingdom's work. But this is where I am confessing. Honestly, lately, I catch myself feeling envious of what they have. That's silly.

I really do not have anything to say that I haven't already said before. I am passionate over several of things. I LOVE working with the poor, kids, the homeless, special needs people, PEOPLE. I have planned out my future several times with these things in mind, but I still don't know. I don't know! How do you know? Is it ok that I don't know? Because everyone around me seems to know. :) BUT last night I realized (oh yeah, and someone actually TOLD me this SEVERAL months ago. I am a mess.) that even though I have had all of these dreams, I have never actually been confident that God could ever do anything so "great" through ME. I have no confidence in God or myself. This will change.

I wrote this in February, and it's still as true as ever:

"I am having so many feelings lately. It's always very difficult for me to express the things that have been lain on my heart, but I will try. I doubt it will make sense, because I can't make sense of it myself.
I'm anxious to be used to my full potential, or rather, to see and live out what God has planned for me. My heart is aware of the truth that I am supposed to be fulfilling some other role. There is this sense of urgency that is constantly rushing through my bones. God has ignited something in me, and it's unavoidable. It's all I can think about. I know that I am here, because I am here, and there is a reason why I am here, but I have never been so ready and certain that there is an entirely huge and different way that I am to be used. I am just praying to be shot off into the right direction.

I'm desperate for it, whatever it is.
I know that I am here, for He has me here.

Everyday is providing itself with different distractions, and if I'm not careful I will forget to surrender every single part of my life to the only Truth that matters.
Whatever it is, I will do. Wherever it is, I will go.

I promise this is true."

 

I am not worried that I will not find my passion of all passions. I just want to be used to my full potential! I don't know if I am doing anything right, but I am praying and I am trusting, and OH I decided to stay in school even if it takes me seventeen years to finish.

 

Sorry that I don't make sense. :)

Peace and Love.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."  - Howard Thurman