I'm not a robot anymore.

I cry. I cry all the time these days. In the past, I used to NEVER cry. If I did, I would always feel stupid and ashamed for doing so. Then I did Mission Year, and I cried some, but not a whole lot. Then I moved back home and BAM. It's like the most simple things can set me off (sunsets, lyrics, verses, an episode of South Park, etc.) These tears are definitely not always from sadness, although that is the case at times. It seems to be more of an act of worship from my soul. I bet I scare people as I'm crying while praying to myself while riding my bike, or crying while singing along to some song while driving my car, but the best part is that I honestly do not care anymore.

I cry sometimes whenever I realize that I have never been able to say before so truthfully that I am in an almost constant state of worshiping, just feeling God move and change me. Of course, there are still so many distractions. Such lame distractions like money stuff, school stuff, even friend stuff, and especially the many lies that I give into and believe that just leave me wanting and discouraged. Still even in the difficult times, I feel like God isn't going to let me just slip away into my more comfortable place where I don't have to reflect on these tough things and I only think about random and simple things like cats or avocados until I start to feel kind of better. It's been surprising to me, because I'm so used to blocking God out whenever things get too hard for my heart to handle, but now it's like God is like, "Ummm no. We're not going to do that anymore." So I lay in bed at night just thinking and worrying and complaining until it turns into praising and rejoicing and adoring, even though I still don't know any of the answers to the questions that made me anxious in the first place.

I cry sometimes when my heart is just overflowing with thankfulness. I'm so thankful when I think about my past, because I honestly have no idea how I was able to become who I am today. My past has touches of really ugly things, like abuse and watching people I love withdraw from their lives to be trapped into thinking that some substance is the only thing that can bring them happiness. I didn't grow up knowing anything about God, only that He exists. I don't know how it happened, but God held on to me and He didn't let me go, and He isn't ever going to. I'm even thankful to be here in College Station, which is crazy to believe. I can get so distraught every now and then because I KNOW that God created me to serve the poor with everything that I have, and it's so difficult for me to be able to live that out here. God has given me eyes to see and a heart that weeps at the injustice in this world that breaks His own heart, and I know that I'm called to do something about it. It sometimes seems impossible for me to do anything about it here. Also, I guess you can say that my "theology" doesn't quite align with what many people that live here believe, which really should not even matter, but sometimes it is bothersome to me and it makes me feel alone and disheartened. I can feel like I'm not free to be myself and am unable to put my beliefs into action. I really don't know why I'm here. If I didn't feel like God has me here for a reason then I definitely would not be here, but I am here, and so I have just been having to learn to trust that God knows why I'm here. I have to know and trust that God has something really great and amazing planned for me in my future, something that I'm passionate about and that I will love, and I am so excited for that. I have to know and trust that God has something really great and amazing planned for me here, something that I'm passionate about and that I will love, and I cannot freaking wait for when that happens.

It's getting sort of late and I am getting extremely tired and so I'm not even sure if this is making any kind of sense, I'm pretty sure it's not, but I just wanted to write about how God had changed me and how God is still changing me. He's changing me A LOT, and I'm grateful for it. I still have such a long, long way to go, but God isn't giving up on me anytime soon. I'm changing so much that I've become a person that cries with emotions that God created and feels. I'm so in love. God is so truly good, and I don't deserve this. I'm so thankful! That's all.

Peace and Love.