You are good when there's nothing good in me.

My heart has been heavy. I feel as if I am just being buried by horrible feelings and my sins that are trying to overcome me. Selfishness. Jealousy. Guilt. Loneliness. Sadness. Wanting wanting WANTING, only for myself. I have hiding and pretending and lying to everyone and it feels like it is just too much this time. I'm in too deep.

Last night I was feeling really bad. I haven't felt so bad in a really long time. So I went for a stroll by myself at around midnight  (I know, not safe.) and I didn't get home until after one. I looked insane walking down the street praying/talking to myself with maybe some tears flowing down occasionally. I was overwhelmed with shame. I have not been loving. I have been everything but loving. My walls are ever before God. There is separation where I need a closeness. I am wanting from people something that only God can give me and it's making me manipulative and demanding and cold. I was not proud of who I was. I did not love myself. I hated myself.

How is it possible for me to love my neighbors as myself when I do not even love myself? How is it possible to love God when I don't even love myself? "How you feel about creation reflects how you feel about the Creator."

There is too much inside of me and in my past that is just unclean and messy, and that very, very few know of. Even though I had no control over a couple of these things happening, it has impacted my life in ways that I didn't realize before and it's definitely not something that I need to keep bottled up inside of me. But I do hide it all, and I have been for years. I know that it's time to bring some things out of the darkness and into the light. I need to confess. I need to be free of this sin and this mess. I know this, but I don't know how I can even handle it. I know I'm not meant to handle it alone and I'm in desperate need of community, but I'd rather not handle it at all. Why can't that ever work?

I know that I am not making the best out of every opportunity that has been given to me. I am not living like I belong to the Light. I am too busy worrying about my selfish desires to bother loving God and people. I am a hypocrite and the only good thing in me is not even me.

Still trying to figure out where to go from here.

"My walls are ever before You, still Your banner over me is love."

"But it was Your kind arms cradling me, a criminal."