But take heart!

I've been feeling a little down lately. I'm not really sure when it started happening. I'm kind of bad at paying attention to these things. Today was the first time that I realized that I was feeling a kind of blah, and then I realized that I have been feeling this way for a little while now.

I realized it today, because today I went home to my parent's house in Franklin right after giving blood, and I just sat on the junky brownish recliner that I got off of craigslist with a big blanket and my old chihuahua and watched about 6 episodes of House. I'm not exaggerating. These are hour long shows here, people. I just sat there in front of the tv, wasting my day away, sort of wishing that I was nonexistent. This is how I realized that I wasn't exactly enjoying life. I did try to play my banjo and I took a bubble bath, but besides that I was basically glued to that chair. It took everything out of me to get up and start getting ready to drive back to CS for Breakaway, which really isn't my favorite thing to go to...but I love my friends. Fortunately, my sister came home and provided me with some laughs just a half hour before I left. That was good. Then I get to Breakway, and I literally did not pay attention to anything that man said. The only time I really listened to him was when I heard him mention Hurricane Katrina, and then I almost started crying even though he only talked about it for like ten seconds.

I'm sorry to bore you guys with my very uneventful day, and I don't mean to sound whiny, but I just feel bad. It's just all of the crazy annoying small things plus the few crazy ongoing big things happening all at once that is bringing me down. I haven't been reading or praying. I've been selfish. Plus, January just straight up sucks. Worst month ever. I just wanted to say all of this, because I know that if I don't acknowledge this feeling and just pretend like I don't really feel it, then I was just keep reenacting days like today. I even told two people before I wrote this how I was feeling. Big steps for me today.

So, that's it. Today I felt pretty awful and I kind of wanted to punch God in the face or something. I feel much better now, though. Part of it has to do with a simple encouraging text message from a friend that I haven't even talked to at all today before then. I don't know how he knew to say that, but he did a really good job. Part of it just has to do with letting my friends know that I'm kind of struggling a little bit here. I'm feeling troubled, and that's totally ok. Troubles are going to happen, but I don't have to be afraid of anything.

"I have told you these things so that you may have peace.

In this world you will have trouble.

But take heart!

I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD!"

- John 16:33

Good things:

I'm in a nice new house with nice new roommates!

I'm in school!

I'm going to DC next weekend! For free!

I'm alive and so is God!

Also, these videos just make me so happy. I laugh everytime.

I hope that I made sense. I'm kind of weird and also sleep deprived.
& I hope that you aren't feeling troubled.
Peace and Love.

Let's live full out.

This is my blog. I’ve attempted to keep a blog once before and was extremely unsuccessful in doing so, but according to the results of my personality type test and a therapist I saw once, writing is supposed to be very good for me. With that in mind, I’ve decided to try and give it another go. It’s probably going to take up most of my Sunday just to write this. Luckily, I have absolutely no plans today. It’s also rainy and cold outside for the second day in a row. I don’t especially enjoy being outside when it’s rainy and cold for the second day in a row.

Not too long ago I read a book written by Anne Lamott (LOVE her!) named “Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life” I remember in the book she had said something like, “good writing is about telling the truth.” I am definitely not trying to create “good writing”, but I think that telling the truth is something that would obviously be very beneficial for me. Sometimes, I’m not very honest. I don’t think I go around telling lies anymore than a normal human being would, I guess, but I’m still not very honest. I usually keep everything that I’m feeling that isn’t so happy or easy to deal with to myself. Way deep down inside of myself. So much so that it’s hard for me to even acknowledge that those feelings even exist. They do exist, though. I have gotten pretty freaking good at repressing bad feelings.

I kept a journal when I moved to Atlanta for the first few months, and I would try to be honest with myself, and it felt good. The few times that I would actually try to write my monthly newsletters instead of just copying off another teammate or just filling up the page with quotes of what someone else said, those times felt good. That’s why I’m going to try this whole blog thing again. I need to be honest with myself, and with the people I know, and with God. It seems almost impossible for me to be vulnerable and honest most of the time. I’m still trying not to hide. Maybe this could help.

So, I’m about to start a “new chapter” of my life. New house, new roommates, newish friends, newish town, new school, new job, new church, all that. I’m very excited about it all. I am still struggling with things like, where I’d rather be living and what I’d rather be doing, but I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to at the moment. I’m really looking forward to what God has planned for me in my future, but for now I’m going to be living in College Station and I’m going to be attending Blinn Community College, and I honestly don’t think it’s going to be all that bad. :)

I’m ready to learn, grow, live full out, study history and sociology, possibly sell toys and books if I get that job, paint a room, go thrifting, drink waffle lattes, meet new people, be vulnerable, and stop hiding. I really am very thankful that I’m a constant work in progress. God has been providing for me very well. Hopefully I made sense and hopefully this won‘t be my last blog post.

Peace and Love.